Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
