When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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