I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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