that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
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I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
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I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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