So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
