I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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