i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
