The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
