I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
