He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
