I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
