Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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