you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
