proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
