He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I have tasted many bathrooms
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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