If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
