I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
