We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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