How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
