No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
