I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
