Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
