In the future we'll all be gay
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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