you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
