allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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