theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
