So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
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