In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
