My boss' voice literally gives me gas
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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