Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
