I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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