maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
