I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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