I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
