so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize
