I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
