two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Pants are for mortals
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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