It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
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girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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