captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
