the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
