so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Liz is crying about burritos again.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
