can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
