if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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