Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
