I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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