Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
