Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
