ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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