Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My life is pants optional.
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