Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
