Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
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He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
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A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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