worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
