Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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