omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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