so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
