Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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