Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
