They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
